Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
