if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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