wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
