Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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