I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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