My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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