iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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