i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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