I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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