Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
