If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
