I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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