I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
