I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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