I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
