Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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