so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
