somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We need a shit load of segways right now
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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