If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
