Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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