why do cheetos always look like penises
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
