How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
