booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
