I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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