so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
