so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
