I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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