some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
