If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
