Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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