what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
