I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
