I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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