Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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