im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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