I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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