like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
