Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She needs sedatives and a leash
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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