Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Fuck appropriateness.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
