So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
