woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
