i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
