Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
