I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
