god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
