I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
