theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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