i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
