I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We’re leaving where are you
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