i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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