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Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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