You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
