i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
