Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize