Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
