Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
