connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
