he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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