dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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