I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
They took my balls.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
