Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
