Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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