Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
